Leave it to the nasty-smelling David "Big Sloppy" Ortiz to leave his stench out there on the field tonight. Ortiz was in cruise control, and he was loving every minute of it. I think it was clear as day that Papi wanted to fire back at his many critics by displaying a true performance of power. Miguel Cabrera's hair was nice and greasy, and Chris Berman was in all his glory getting to hear himself talk for a fuckin marathon of a contest. The Home-Run Derby has gotten so fuckin tiresome, and it's become more and more like the NBA Slam-Dunk Contest, not exciting. Maybe it would be exciting if Erin Andrews sat on Berman's face on the dais just so he'd shut his fat trap! How about that? Or what if Miguel Cabrera brought a Corona up to the dish? And how about all the kids, right? They were bringing the Gatorade and towel out to the batter once he was finished. Well, if Chris Young had any guts, then he would have shoved the kid to the ground after his pathetic fuckin showing. How about Hanley Ramirez, what a talent! Did you see how he walked out of the dugout in the starting lineups? Well, that's the same speed he goes after balls that are hit his way! Gimme a break! Chicks dig the long ball? I always thought they dug the long prick, but what do I know, right? I'm just the 800-pound Heat fan in the room.
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