Morning Tush!

Look at Justene Jaro go, this gal is about as wet as a mermaid's twat! What a luscious lady! Justene is similar to a prehistoric dinosaur I once studied in my many pop-up books, known as Lickalottapuss! One of my favorite reptiles of all fuckin time! Let's be honest, folks, I don't think many guys pull their fuckin pricks while watching "Jurassic Park!" Perhaps it's fashion that makes Justene's clit tick, so if that's the case, then I have a nice skin-toned stiletto she can sit on! It's in my pants!

Typical Chargers...

Leave it to A.J. Smith and the San Diego Chargers to fuck this whole Vincent Jackson situation up. What the fuck have the Chargers ever won? Absolutely nothing is the fuckin answer, folks! Who else do they need to run outta town? This prick is Alicia Silverstone co-starring Stacey Dash - CLUELESS!!! Just look at who the fuckin head coach is! Norv Turner? Gimme a break already! I think I rather have Wade Phillips and his walk-in-closet belly button down on the sidelines! Phil Rivers has a fuckin family to feed! Can you give the guy his best target back? So what if Jackson had his second DUI since 2006 last February! How's he supposed to fuckin know O'Douls has minimal alcohol content?

Vikings Acquire Hank "Biscuit In The" Baskett!

The price on Chargers holdout Vincent Jackson was too high, so the Vikings grabbed their pencil-pricks, and signed Hank Baskett. Guess what? Big fuckin deal! Is Hank Baskett the answer for this sputtering offense? Allow me to be the first to fuckin proclaim that the Vikings will be going nowhere this season! Not with that fuckin Faith Hill-wannabe at quarterback, and Rick Moranis at the helm! I'll gladly welcome Kendra Wilkinson with open legs! Perhaps she can massage my grumpy groin!!! Take a seat, Hank! You're about as cool as a fuckin continental breakfast!

The Twins Are In!

The Minnesota Twins are going dancing again! Somebody get Joe Mauer a virgin-pina colada! Make it a double!

Morning Tush!

Christine Teigan has a sandy crotch this morning, but that doesn't keep her from making the best Eggs Beneclit you'll ever fuckin taste! She prepares the classic American breakfast with the utmost detail, and the freshest ingredients. Teigan produces her own special hollandaise sauce, while always squirting it on the side because she knows I don't like my eggs swimming...I want to pretend I'm a toddler and play in Christine's sandbox.

Michael "My Dog Ate My Dick" Vick To Start Sunday!

Andy Reid has reversed course on who he wants under center in Jacksonville this Sunday. Fuck Kevin "Corn On The" Kolb, it's the Michael Vick show, and it's rated NC-17! Reid doesn't have time to fuck around with the former University Of Houston star, not when he has the darker version of Ace Ventura on his team. I guess you could say that Kolb has gone from quarterback to loserback! Let's be honest, folks, Kevin Kolb probably wears his bluetooth out in public! If you do that, then you might as well have loser tattooed on your fuckin forehead. Vick has completed 63.8 % of his passes thusfar, and has played well enough to remain the starter, but I still think he's on a short leash...

College Football Creep Of The Week...

Could there be a bigger jerkoff in the universe than this guy? Seriously? What the fuck is this monster trying to prove? This fuckin creep is basically telling all females to stay the fuck away from him! Now that I think about it, he might as well stick his prick in a fuckin buzzsaw, and call it a fuckin career. Better yet, call it a fuckin love story, you creep! If these are the types of fans that attend University of Washington football games, then I rather catch a game in fuckin Antartica wearing nothing but a transparent speedo! Keep the change you filthy fuckin animal!