The weather has gotten chilly, and the autumn leaves are changing colors, so this could only mean one fuckin thing! The MLB Postseason is set to begin today! The Rays & Rangers will get things started down in that shithole they call Tropicana Field in Tampa,FL at 1:37pm eastern. The Reds and Phillies get underway in Citizen's Bank at 5:07pm eastern, while the Yanks and Twins commence at 8:37pm eastern out in Minnesota. The Braves and Giants begin their NLDS tomorrow, because they didn't get the fuckin memo. So get fuckin ready, pricks! Get ready for more drama than a fuckin episode of 'Jersey Shore!' There is nothing quite like the MLB Postseason! Get your condoms ready! Get your crackerjacks ready! Get your heads outta your fuckin asses! It's time for October baseball!!!
The last time the Cincy Reds won the NL Central, Jay Bruce was a just a seven-year-old prick with a little babydick, but last night it was him who swung the big stick! The Cincinnati Reds are back in the Playoffs for the first time in 15 seasons! Someone get these pricks a sanitary napkin, and a gallon of Ocean Spray! I thought these losers hit nothing but menopause! Dusty Baker? Bronson Arroyo? Joey "Vertigo" Votto!?!?! Look out, National League, these pricks are fuckin moody!
Mets closer, Franky "Stalker" Rodriguez, has violated an order of protection against his girlfriend by sending her 67 text messages!!!! Woahhhhhh! Is this fuckin guy horny or what! K-Rod beat the shit out of his gal pal's father about a month ago, and was ordered to stay away from this stale bitch, so why the fuck is he bombarding her with texts up the tush?!?! I'll tell you why, the guy is about as cool as a fuckin fannypack! If it smells like cologne, leave it alone! If it smells like fish, then it's a fuckin dish! What a loser!
Stephen Strasburg is heading to Costco right now, he's going to pick up some waters, while Mark Prior heads over to Whole Foods to pick up dinner! The Washington Nationals phenom will require Tommy John surgery after a Thursday MRI exam revealed a significant tear in his elbow. It's too bad the MRI didn't reveal the tear in his beanbag, because this prick is more brittle than Jamie Moyer's dick! These guys can't wait to cozy up and watch "Milk" in their bunkbeds!
The Washington Nationals have until midnight tonight to sign the face-painting phenom, Bryce "Lady Gaga" Harper. Harper's agent is Scott Boras, so you can imagine how sticky negotiations are becoming as we're quickly approaching the deadline for 2010 Amateur Draft-Picks to sign with their respective teams. If Harper fails to sign with the Nats, then he'll have to wait until next June to be drafted again. What's this prick waiting for? Does Boras have something to do with this holdout? Of course, but that's still no excuse. Harper sped up his entire schooling process in order to be draft-eligible this year, and that's why I expect this fuckin jerkoff to pull his head out of his tush before the clock strikes midnight.
Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for the team in Flushing, Franky Rodriguez decides to go crazy on his own family!!! Woahhhhh! What a loose cannon! This guy has a fuse shorter than his prick! Who the fuck does he think he's kidding acting like a jagoff with his head chopped off?! What other team in Major League Baseball has to arrest their own closer in their home ballpark for punching his father-in-law in the face!!! You can't make this shit up! This is worse than having a fuckin chicken biscuit for breakfast! It's fuckin breakfast for Christ sakes!!!! Have some eggs! K-Rod has been charged with 3rd-Degree Assault against his own father-in-law! It's unbelievable! Meet Los Mets! Temper tantrums all around! On the house!!!
The phenom known as Steven Strasburg has been placed on the 15-Day DL with shoulder inflammation? Please...More like twat inflammation if you ask me! Anybody that didn't anticipate this prick getting injured must not know shit about baseball, because this kid was a fatso back in high school, and he never got laid. Not even by himself! It wouldn't surprise me if Strasburg started doing some house-hunting with his pal Mark Prior, rumor has it they are more hot and heavy than Lance Bass and Lorenzo Martone these days. The Nats might not admit it, but they have to be nervous about this kid right now because it doesn't look good, and I'm usually an extremely optimistic prick. In the meantime, Strasburg can SIT!
Multiple orgasms are reporting that Roy Oswalt will approve a trade to the Phillies, and thrust himself right into a pennant race. This trade is positive for both parties involved, and I look forward to seeing how Oswalt likes his cheesesteak. Does he like it wiz-wit? Or wiz-witout? Maybe he just likes to shove hoagies up his tuccus, I don't fuckin know. I don't hold his hand when he crosses the street, who the fuck am I? I'm just a prick who likes his women the way he likes his horses - FAST.
Jhonny Peralta was traded by the Cleveland Indians yesterday to the Detroit Tigers. Apparently, the Indians want nothing to do with this creep, who uses the letter 'h' after the 'J' in his first name. Jhonny's parents spelled his name wrong on the birth certificate, hence the ridiculous 'h' after the 'J'. What the fuck were these idiots thinking? They couldn't possibly be that dumb, or could they? I know I wouldn't bet against it, but what do I know, right? Jhonny likes his parents the same way he likes his potatoes - BAKED!
According to multiple sources, the Astros and Phillies have a deal in place that would send the Mississippi native, Roy Oswalt, to the City of Brotherly Love. Reports are stating Oswalt would prefer to be traded to the Rangers or Cardinals, but terms can't be reached with those clubs. The addition of Oswalt could give the Phillies the best 1-2 rotation-punch in Major League Baseball, to go along with Harry Leroy Halladay. This deal has been agreed upon, and now it's all up to Oswalt to waive his no-trade clause and join a contender, or to be a pussy and stay on a team that's going nowhere. Either way, we're about to see who the real Roy Oswalt is. The feeling in my prick, is that it's only a matter of moments before we have the "Roy & Roy Show."
Tampa Bay's Matt Garza hurled the organization's first ever No-Hitter tonight at Tropicana Field, and he did it in style by retiring the minimum 27 batters thanks to a double-play in the early innings of the game. Garza is the kind of guy PricksRus admires, because he's an absolute hothead, who doesn't give a shit about what anyone else thinks. There's no question Matthew is heading over to Mons Venus for a little celebrating! MAKE 'EM SIT, GARZA! Make those gals sit on your face! You deserve it! Clams on the halfshell for everyone! Zimas all around!
