Chowder Du Jour...

If you don't wanna lick this bowl of Gina Gershon clean, then you don't belong on this site, and you probably go to Quizno's a lot. Gina is the ultimate USDA Tush, and she knows it. Most of you probably know her from her performance in the classic film "Showgirls," but she got us especially randy with her performance in HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Not only is Gershon's twat illegal in the contiguous United States, but she also likes a nice Bigelow Green Tea right before she spreads her legs. I tell ya what, I have to soak my beanbag in a Dunkin Donuts blue rasberry coolatta after getting a whiff of that cherrystone! I'll point to my nose and say, "Hey, Gina! This seats not taken!"

Federer Ousted At Wimbledon!

The pride of Switzerland, Roger Federer, has been ousted from Wimbledon! In a stunning development across the pond, Federer suffers a brutal quarterfinal loss to Tomas Berdych. Berdych defeated Federer 6-4, 3-6, 6-1, 6-4, and Roger is now making out with Venus Williams in one of the bathrooms off of court #2. That's just raunchy, but we appreciate Roger's efforts. This guy makes Al Gore blush...

Nobody Cares!!!

Lance, nobody gives a shit if this is the last time you ride your bike. Nobody cares!!!!!!!!!! NOBODY!!! You're the biggest fugazy in America, and Sheryl Crow rather suck off the dog than you! Tour De France? Get a life, loser. I rather sit through fuckin reruns of "Blossom," you juicer!

National Champs!

The South Carolina Gamecocks defeat UCLA in 11 innings, 2-1, to win their first ever baseball National Championship! GO GAMECOCKS! Congratulations! Now go stick your bats in some boxes!

Chowder Du Jour...

Megan Fox will be today's creamy cup of chowder, but I'm sad to say she is now wearing a rock on her finger. Fox, 24, did the unthinkable and married the cocksucking, 36-year-old Brian Austin Green in Hawaii over the weekend. This is about as unfortunate as it gets, folks. How does this loser get a piece of tush like Megan? This makes Fox's stock drop in our eyes, so she's very lucky she didn't wind up in Kobayashi's place. We give it 6 months before Fox is asking for her walking papers.

Paraguay Advances...

This South American slut is sure happy Paraguay won! Call me!

Loser Du Jour...

Takeru Kobayashi, the 6-Time Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest Champion, is passing on the event this 4th of July weekend. Talk about a complete scumbag!!! Where would this loser be if it wasn't for the Nathan's contest?? He has the audacity to not show up to Coney Island?? Somebody ought to stick a shishkabob up this guys ass, and make sure it's hot! Loaded with red pepper flakes! Kobayashi should be banned for life from participating in any food-eating events, he's a fuckin fraud! A gutless prick who has no dick! "Tsunami?" No fuckin way he deserves such a powerful nickname, the only waves this shmuck will see will be the ones from Americans swaying their hands goodbye as he's being deported. Siofuckinara, Kobayashi. I got your fuckin frankfurter right here, ya loser! SIT! Sit on that frank!

Blow Job Upton...

The Tampa Bay Rays are sitting down BJ Upton, he's given manager Joe Maddon no other choice. They plan on giving this prick some time to think about his pathetic actions in Sunday's game against the Diamondbacks. Does Upton care? Do pigs fly? Gimme a fuckin break, this guy cares about being suspended about as much as we give a shit about Nascar. There's no doubt in my mind that Upton was the kid at recess growing up who would wear the Miami Heat Starter jacket, and the corners of his mouth would be stained with Hawaiin Punch. The only reason he'd score touchdowns was because nobody wanted to go near him! It was Lice City probably! Blow Job is most likely heading out of town by the trading deadline to make room for hot prospect Desmond Jennings, but in the meantime, he plans on causing more trouble than Kevin McCallister...

Spain Vs. Portugal!

Christiano Ronaldo leads Portugal against the neighboring Spaniards! Hey, Spain, suck on this ya losers!

Stay Hot, Cedric Benson! You're A Great Guy!

Cedric Benson has been charged with assault from an incident stemming back to May 30th in the great town of Austin, Texas. Let's break this down:

1, Benson was at the bar, that's a great thing.

2, Benson reportedly said, "I don't give a fuck," when bar employees tried to calm him down.

3, Benson was asked to leave the bar, and refused.

4, Benson punched the bouncer in the face.

What the fuck did this guy do wrong? He turned himself in!!! PricksRus thinks Cedric has a good head on his shoulders, and we support him in all his ambitious endeavors. He's a tremendous human-being.

Quote of the Day

"The smell was pervasive."

- Anonymous Wimbledon fan on the rotten odor coming from Venus Williams' crotch following her loss.

TWINS!

Chris Bosh is the puppy-dog of the NBA Free Agency class, it's unbelievable how much he's bending over for Lebron James and Dwayne Wade. Bosh will simply follow these guys around with his jerkoff nose right up their asses, the guy is a born-loser. What has Bosh ever won? He's as soft as they come, a classic dogshit compiler. Bosh is far from being a dominant player, and he's not physical in the least bit. Playoff experience? Hardly any. I'd say Chris "The Lizard" Bosh is probably the most overrated player in the NBA. Bosh says he wants Miami or Chicago, well good. Those cities deserve this stale piece of trash. My suggestion to Chris is for him to call up Steven Spielberg so he can star in another volume of "Jurassic Park."

Still On Top!

The annual Forbes Celebrity 100 list has been released, and we would like to congratulate Mr. Tiger Woods for remaining the top sports figure on the prestigious list. This news should only fuel Tiger's desire to snap out of his funk, and return to being the player we all know and love. Woods raked in a cool $105 Million this past year, down only slightly from the $110 Million he earned last year! Atta, prick! Nothing phases this fuckin guy, it's unbelievable!!! He cleans up his pecker with $100 bills, and then mails them to Elin in Sweden! Talk about a hole in one! Doug, kick him off the tour!!!!! Tiger's new motto? "I drill two things, sluts and putts."

Coach Calipari: A True Prick!

Kentucky men's basketball coach, John "Carwash Cunt" Calipari made some interesting comments following last week's NBA Draft. Coach Cal believes that producing NBA talent is just as important as winning National Titles, in so many words. Calipari is kind of like the consigliere of pricks, a true gentleman with exquisite hair products, who has a knack for always keeping his cool when facing criticism by jealous coaches. His nickname of "Carwash Cunt" is one of sincere affection, and he calls it "endearing." Does Calipari care about the Commonwealth? Bahahahahaha! Coach Cal cares about himself! He cares about his own legacy! Gimme a break! Enough is enough! It's not up to him to recruit a bunch of Kyle Singlers! He wants the best of the best! He wants the guys that study girls' rear-ends, not books! Calipari wants the blue-chip athletes, and that's why his idol is Western Dolphins coach, Pete Bell. Bell understood what it took, and he said fuck it, if I don't do it, somebody else will.

Go Gamecocks!

The South Carolina Gamecocks are 1 Win away from becoming National Champs!

Who Cares?

NOT ME! I don't live in Louisiana and if these people didn't move after Katrina... Well then fuck'em. So sorry Billy Dan Bob Joe Tommy Frank, the shrimp are fucking gone! Poisoned! Why don't you and Forrest and Bubba go get a job that doesn't interfere with the oil industry you insensitive pricks! Don't you ever think of other people? Like me and my GM vehicle that only gets 13 miles per gallon on the fucking freeway. More bullshit about the Pelicans? Nobody even eats Pelicans! Who gives a shit about Pelicans? The only Pelican I ever liked was the Brief and that is just because Julia Roberts showed her nipple at one point. Now that I think about it I don't even think there were Pelican's in that movie so what is with the fucking name? I have spent some time around Geese and even a few Swans on the golf course and if their attitude is any indication I bet their cousins the Pelican's are dickheads too... Besides, I would venture to say the Pelican's don't give a shit about me or my fantasy baseball team so they can soak in the Petrol. Bye bye Birdies!!!

Jim Hendry You Son Of A Bitch

Pirates win their first road game since May 22... What a shocker it happens at Wrigley field against a team put together by none other than Jim Hendry. Randy Wells is nowhere close to a legitimate major league pitcher and some guy from Park Ridge named Shlitters pitched the 7th. How did we get here? I have composed a summary below.

The making of the 2010 Chicago Cubs.


Let's start with the 2002 draft.

Cubs take Bobby Brownlie OF with the 21st overall pick, nobody knows or cares about Brownlie because he hasn't even made the majors but here are the picks following.

22. Denard Span
23. Jeremy Guthrie
24. Jeff Francouer
25. Joe Blanton
26. Matt Cain

WHOA!!!

Scott Kazmir, Nick Swisher, Cole Hamels, and James Loney were all picked between 26 and 45.

2003

Hendry took OF Ryan Harvey with the sixth pick in the draft. He has never made the majors. Baseball drafts are hard right? Wrong. Let's take a peek at the picks following.

7th- Nick Markakis
8th- Paul Maholm
9th- John Danks
10th- Ian Stewart
11th- Lastings Milledge
12th- Aaron Hill

Cordero and Billingsley were also taken later in the first round.

What a fucking mess.

2004

This was a great draft for the Cubs because they did not pick till #66... They took some hack who hasn't made it past AA but at least they didn't embarrass themselves.

2005

Hendry spent the 20th pick on Mark Pawelek, an Outfielder irrelevant to the game of baseball.

How did the brain trust miss these guys?

22-Jacoby Ellsbury OF
25- Matt Garza SP
27- Colby Rasmus OF
42- Clay Bucholz SP

2006

The big mistake in 2006 had to be drafting Tyler Colvin 20 picks ahead of Chris Coghlan the 2009 NL Rookie of the Year who they had previously traded the draft rights to.

2007

The Cubs used the 3rd pick on Josh Vitters and paid him more than...

5- Matt Wieters C
7- Matt Laporta OF
10- Madison Bumgarner SP
14- Jason Heyward
27- Rick Porcello

So this explains everything right? Wrong. Let's talk about the trades.

12/7/2005

Cubs Lose: Sergio Mitre, Renyel Pinto, and Ricky Nolasco, 2006 second round draft pick (ironically used to pick Chris Coghlan 2009 NL Rookie of the year).

Cubs Get: Juan Pierre

3/26/06

Cubs Lose: Todd Wellemeyer and Zach McCormack

Cubs Get: Lincoln Holdzkom?

11/16/2006

Cubs Lose: David Aardsma

Cubs Get: Neal Fucking Cotts

Now I am honestly mad but everyone needs this information.

12/7/2006

Cubs Lose: Josh Hamilton

Cubs Get: Cash

Vision is starting to blur...

These next two really explain the lack of a bullpen.

7/16/2007

Cubs Lose: Jerry Blevins

Cubs Get: Jason Cocksucking Kendall

12/4/2007

Cubs Lose: WIll Ohman and Omar Infante

Cubs Get: Jose Ascanio

1/5/2008

Cubs Lose: Angel Pagan and Ryan Meyers

Cubs Get: Corey Coles?

Free Agents:

Hendry's best signings are below...

Latroy Hawkins 2 years at 4 million per.

Nomar Garciaparra 1 year at 8.5 million

Jacque Jones 3 years at 6 million per.

Jason Marquis 3 years at 7 million per.

Carlos Zambrano... 5 years at 18.5 million per... Just so we are all clear Albert Pujols makes 14 million a year.

I have already said enough on this blog about my feelings for the Milton Bradley signing.

And the crown jewel of awful decision making has to be Kosuke Fukudome 4 years at 12 million per.

How did the Ricketts not look into this when they bought the Cubs? How was the first move not firing Hendry? I am going to go out on a limb and say that basically nobody in the organization has any fucking idea what is going on. This is incompetence at a really high level and I am not sure it should be tolerated anymore. The fans bother me too... The last thing we need is 35 year old douchebags in cargo shorts and backwards hats wandering around Wrigley Field wondering what place the Cubs are in. Grow up pal, lose the T-shirt that looks like a coat of arms and let me be the first to tell you that those green Adidas shoes you wear were cool when McEnroe wore them because he won Wimbledon wearing them. You on the other hand get loaded at Pirate's games and cry at bars when Ghana beats the US even though you have never solidly kicked a fucking soccer ball in your life. I say we take those guys to West Virginia and give them a nice tour of an exploding mine, fucking assholes.

Zambrano's Not Too Happy...

The volatile Venezuelan, Carlos Zambrano, hasn't been thrilled with his fans and teammates alike lately. Zambrano couldn't understand why his fans (see above) were so happy, when he was so upset. A puzzled Zambrano muttered, "I don't know, maybe they think I'm joking around in the dugout, maybe they hid my cell-phone charger because they say I'm always on the phone." Derek Lee is the most recent Cub to face the wrath of the hulking righthander, but Lee thinks Zambrano might just have a crush on him. Zambrano is currently suspended from the team, and on the Restricted List. It's believed he will remain there until after the All-Star Break, but something tells me Carlos isn't the least bit concerned. He was overheard gushing about being able to pig out on plantains, and how he was going to screen Tom Cruise's new flick, "Knight and Day" every night this week. Stay tuned...

We Hear Wedding Bells!

Sean Payton and Jennifer Capriati are en route to Cabo San Lucas, and the steamy rumor is that these crazy kids are going to tie the knot! Now that's a fun wedding! Congrats!

Quote Of The Day...

"Fuckin great, Serena beat Sharipova? Who would you rather bang? Exactly." - Tiger Woods

Lu You, Roddick!

Andy Roddick disappointed a lot of Americans today when he lost in five sets to the unseeded Yen-Hsun Lu. Lu is ranked 82nd in the world, and Andy is now burying his face in Brooklyn Decker's clam. Not a bad deal for Andy, huh? Do you think Lu has ever seen a pussy in his entire life? Our best bet is NO, but he swung the bigger prick today on the grass across the pond. Lu stunned Roddick 4-6, 7-6 (3), 7-6 (4), 6-7 (5), 9-7. Just a gutsy performance from the Asian, and a disgraceful job by Andy Roddick.

College World Series Finals - Gamecocks Vs. Bruins...

Jackie Bradley Jr. leads the South Carolina Gamecocks tonight in their matchup with the UCLA Bruins. The Gamecocks must beat the Bruins twice in order to become National Champions. They will be eliminated with a loss.

The Real World Cup Teams Roll Along...

Goooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!!

Ain't No Party Like A Detroit Lions Party!

Detroit Lions team president Tom Lewand failed field sobriety tests and his blood alcohol content was more than twice the legal limit! Lewand was obviously getting very saucy thinking about the great Wayne Fontes! Maybe not, but Tommy Boy was celebrating a strong mini-camp for the paltry Lions, and PricksRus sees nothing wrong with that.

Lewand, who was arrested after the traffic stop, also told deputies he had not had a drink for a year and a half, the report said!!!! Who does this guy think he's kidding?!?!?! Lewand blew an extraordinary .21 and then followed it up with a .20! Woahhhhhhhh! That's a lot of booze!!! Lewand will face discipline from Prick Goodell soon.

Strasburg-Mania Continues...

Stephen Strasburg belongs in the 2010 All-Star Game. If you disagree, then you must order pints of cranberry juice when you go to the bar.

TWINS!

Do these jagoffs look familiar? Hey, Michael Phelps, Ricky Barnes called. He wants his hat back!!! Phelps continues to struggle in the Freestyle events, and Barnes continues to disappoint by still showing up to the course. Way to go, guys! PricksRus challenges it's reader's to find a couple bigger tools than these ugly pricks!

Loser Du Jour...

Today's recipient is Jonathan "The Pudgy Prankster" Broxton. Broxton isn't your normal loser, he's a HUGE LOSER! Fatboy put up an impressive line against the NY Yankees last night in front of a national tv audience. Broxton hurled 48 pitches in the 9th inning, giving up 4 hits, 4 earned runs, and walking a couple Yankees batters. Does Broxton throw gas? No. He simply passes it! We have a weird feeling that Broxton smells worse than the prick in "Slumdog Millionaire" who jumps in all the shit. Broxton blew the 4-run lead, and Cano capped the Yankees comeback in the 10th with a 2-run shot to left-center. Yanks 8 Dodgers 6.

Not So Fast...

Bobby Valentine and Jeffrey "The Prick" Loria are struggling to come to terms on a contract for Bobby V to become the next manager of the Florida Marlins. We believe Valentine is still the leading candidate, but the deal no longer seems imminent.

Baby-Daddy Donovan!

Reports out of England are suggesting Landon is a little hornier than we all thought! Donovan is allegedly the baby-daddy of a British gal he was banging when he was playing for Everton, England last winter in the English Premier League. Does this come as a surprise? We'd have to say yes, because Landon strikes us as a supreme fag/loser. He's actually the mayor of a little town we like to call Loserville, USA. Something tells me that Bianca can't be too thrilled right now.

The Worst...

Chris Broussard is the absolute worst, who does this guy think he is? Seriously? What nationality is this ugly prick? He thinks he's Mr. NBA, and I think he's Mr. Jerkoff, the guy is awful. I can't listen to him run his yapper for more than a couple minutes without having to change the channel. I don't know where ESPN finds these fuckin losers like Broussard, Stuart Scott, Brian Kenny, and Jay Harris just to name a few of them. They are all absolutely brutal, and I don't think they ought to be in the business. Broussard claims to have inside information, but all he does is make stories up, and spew rotten garbage to anyone who listens. He flat out sucks, and we guarantee his hair smells like shit. As the NBA Free Agency frenzy looms this week, expect to see cocksucker Broussard all over ESPN. He's already reporting that the Knicks will be flying out to LA on Thursday night in order to sign Joe Johnson to a MAX Contract. Hey, Chris, too bad there isn't a telethon for Fuckfaceitis. They find a cure yet?

Chowder Du Jour...

Todays fresh bowl of Chowder is none other than HBO's "Entourage" starlet Emmanuelle Chriqui. This gal is an absolute smokeshow, and I'm looking forward to seeing her tonight on the season-premier. Emmanuelle plays the sexy Sloan character in the hit show, and she does a fine job being a high-maintenance piece of tush. I'd like to melt some butter on her fanny, put it in a saucer, and then dip my king crab in it. Delicious!

Loser Du Jour...

Prince Harry,

Let me be clear, there is nothing regal about throwing out the first pitch at SHITI FIELD in disgusting Flushing. Harry ought to know better, but who knows? Maybe this prick has no brain, or maybe he uses tweezers when he has to drain his needledick. Either way, whatever way you fuckin slice it and dice it, this prick deserves this notoriety. I've seen cooler people hanging out at Chucky fuckin Cheese's than this guy. The next stop for this jagoff might be to throw out the first pitch for the ballclub in Provincetown, MA! Take a seat, Harry, you loser!

Gimme A Break...Finally...

Thank God we won't be seeing any more of these kinda losers for another four years. World Cup? Who gives a shit, I'm sorry, it's just not my cup of Goldschlager. I compare the World Cup to Obama, simply a trendy fad. It would be like PricksRus predicting the Raiders will win the Superbowl next year, it's garbage. Put your fuckin pom-poms away, losers. It's safe to go back to Fire Island now...

Whata Prick!

Carl Pavano has thrown two consecutive Complete Games for the first time in his quirky career. Hey, Carl! Nice mustache you fuckin prick! You robbed the Yankees of $40 Million, and now you grow that fuckin thing on the top of your upper lip? Are you serious? Look in the mirror, pal, you're not getting any snatch with that thing! The days of Alyssa Milano & Gia Allemand are gone! You have a better chance with Ellen!

Chowder Du Jour...

Jenn Sterger & Co. = Jack Nicholson co-starring Helen Hunt....As Good As It Gets...

Creeps Get Clipped...

I'm sending my friend Bobby here to make sure K-Rod sleeps with the fishes. Cya K-Rod, nice knowing ya...

Loser Du Jour...

Greivis Vasquez! Who does this fuckin guy think he is?!?!?! Switch to decaf, Greivis!!! Do us all a favor and go buy Rosetta Stone - English Version!!! Loser! Let me see your passport!

Who Shot The Fag-Couch?

Wes Johnson, what the fuck kinda pants are you wearing, pal? Wow..I know sometimes the snow falls down in June, but leave those in the closet for when Santa Claus visits you up in frigid Minnesota. Yikes!!! Who shot Ricky Martin's couch!?!?!

Wes was selected 4th Overall by the hapless T'Wolves, have fun.

Breaking News: Bobby Valentine Smells Fish!!!

My sources down in Miami are telling me that the fuckin prick Jeffrey Loria is close to bringing Bobby Valentine aboard as the new Manager of the Marlins. This is a great choice, but who knows how long these cocksuckers will be able to get along. I know one thing, Bobby V can't wait to stick it to the Mets, the way Renaldo sticks it to Kimmy Kardashian, HARD. Valentine is one of the brightest minds in the game, but his ego might outweigh his abilities. Valentine will be in the dugout by Monday to face his old team, the Mets, down in Puerto Rico. He could come back sooner, either way, we're glad this motherless prick is back in the game. We're hearing it is a four-year deal.

Done With The NBA...

Where do the NY Knicks find their fuckin scouts? Once again, Knicks fans are left feeling dejected and completely unfulfilled with two incredibly brutal fuckin picks in last night's NBA Draft. The 38th & 39th picks belonged to the boys from 34th & 7th, and they couldn't have blown them any more badly than they did. It's embarrassing and depressing, there's no other way to describe it. This is a team with just four players under contract, four! How about drafting a big man? Why not the 6'9" Devin Ebanks out of West Virginia? Or how about the Big East Rookie of the Year, Lance Stephenson out of Cincy? Oh yeah, Stephenson is also a Brooklyn-native who played his high school ball at Lincoln, and won four consecutive PSAL Titles. I guess the Knicks didn't learn from their Ron Artest draft-gaffe years ago, huh? No they rather have this fuckin fruitcup Landry Fields (Stanford). Talk about a fuckin LOSER!!! He couldn't crack the Connecticut Sun rotation, let alone play in the fuckin NBA. Gimme a fuckin break! It's disgusting! What a typical disgusting display from an incredibly lost fuckin franchise! Unbelievable! How do you take Andy fuckin Rautins (Syracuse) when you could've just waited until after the draft to sign him as a free agent? Nobody was gonna draft this guy!!! NOBODY!!! It's amazing, and it's all too familiar. A few years back the Knicks selected Renaldo Balkman with their 20th pick, who was picked 21st in that same draft? Rajon Rondo. Last night? Lance Stephenson was selected 40th, right after the fuckin Knicks took this soft Pac-10 prick, Landry Fields. What a disaster...You can't fuckin make it up, and all this after passing on Brandon Jennings for Jordan Hill a year ago. It never fuckin ends....It's a dagger to the dick.