Yankee Doodle Done

Despite a one hundred million dollar advantage in payroll the Yankees lay down and get fucked by Ron Washington and the Texas Rangers in 6 games... Tonight is a great night for baseball fans everywhere, and a huge evening for Ron Washington's coke dealer as well. Enjoy the series Ranger fans and hopefully in the next 100 years the Cubs will fire Jim Hendry so I can taste success too. Fuck you Jim Hendry, you worthless sack of shit.

Drunk Punter

Indianapolis Colts starting punter Pat McAfee was arrested last night after being found swimming in one of the city's canals.  When he was asked how much he had to drink McAfee responded "A lot because I am really drunk."  This is pretty great... Even greater was his twitter message just before heading out for the evening...  It is fair to say that Pat McAfee is officially a "friend of the blog".
"Bye week bye week bye week. Time to get some ish done. Happy Tuesday Party people."
   -Pat McAfee's twitter just prior to getting completely tanked and arrested.

Supermarket Mayhem

I have a list of new complaints to lodge against my fellow shoppers at the local grocery store. Please pay attention as I think you will agree with me that most of these people should be beaten to death with a blunt instrument.

1. People who leave shopping carts unattended and empty in the parking lot. I have two fucking scratches on my car from this bullshit and honestly I don't want to tolerate this shit anymore... I carry a gun in the car and the next person to pull this sorry shit is getting shot in the eye. Be a great human being and put the fucking cart in the designated area.

2. People who think the local market is some sort of day care center... I cannot even tell you how I feel about this. Most recently I was walking down the aisle looking for Aunt Jemima syrup for my Eggos and I have three little Mexican kids running around my aisle jib-jabbing in whatever fucking language they know. I don't blame the kids, I blame their overweight mothers and their 3,000 dollars worth of shit they buy every night to feed the battalion of children they decided to bring into this world. Keep your fucking offspring in order! Other shoppers don't want little disease infected kids fingering every item on the shelf... Call me a germ-o-phobe, but fuck that shit. Next time a little Mexican kid touches my food I am going to call the INS and just laugh as "mama" gets deported.

3. People who ask for the location of items while they are checking out. Let me give you an example.

After waiting for 10 minutes in line and standing right in front of Mr. Shots.
Customer: "Excuse me I was looking for the cantaloupes and I couldn't find them, can you help me?"
Check Out Skank: "Umm hold on let me get someone."
Tommy Shots: "ENOUGH, you want the cantaloupes, get the fuck out of line and find the cantaloupe guy... You think this slut punching numbers behind the counter knows where the fucking fruit is? Honestly? Do you? Do you think she gives a shit where they are? The accepted method of shopping at this store is to get all of the items you intend to buy and THEN go to the checkout line, but you ask for more in line. Do you think you are special? Is that the problem with this fucking place? Is that why you don't watch your kids in here? Is it because you can't multitask enough to find a fucking piece of fruit and keep an eye on that kid of yours? How about I take the cantaloupe and stick it where it stinks? Would you like that? Now get the fuck out of my way, I am going to buy my things and drive my car into an unattended cart in the shitty fucking parking lot with all of your degenerate friends out there making it look like a fucking driving course..."

Hey, Fat Albert... You Smell

Albert Haynesworth is a waste of fucking space and is officially on my nerves. Here is a quick timeline for you.

April 1, 2010- Receives a 21 million dollar signing bonus from the Washington Redskins

July 29- August 11th 2010- Fails a fucking conditioning test 11 times in a row before finally getting his overweight and smelly body across the finish line.

September 25, 2010- Tells the world he is "not a slave" and wishes he could "just hang out at Walmart."

Where do I fucking start with this pile of garbage. First, please don't ever compare yourself to a slave. You make 100 million dollars over 7 years and work 16 Sundays a year... 21 Million dollar signing bonus??? Oh yeah I forgot that part of Roots... You know, when Kunta Kinte gets the 21 million dollar bonus? I totally remember that part, it was right after he was whipped 200 times and had his achilles tendon sliced so he wouldn't run away. How about hanging out at Walmart? Wouldn't that be sweet? Who the fuck hangs out at Walmart? What do you do there? Skateboard in the fucking parking lot? Is there a skateboard in the world with the structural integrity to hold Fat Albert and his 75 pound tits? I honestly don't have these answers but I would love to know. I do know this... If I ever saw Albert Haynesworth at Walmart I would quietly sneak up behind him and hit him repeatedly in the back of the head with a fucking hatchet for being such a disgusting waste of human life. From me to you Fat Albert... Go fuck yourself and gimme your wallet ya prick!!!

Monday, Monday

I really wanted to do something special for the readers today so I trimmed up my mustache, threw on my best adidas workout shirt, and fired up the god damn karaoke machine. Enjoy, pledges.

Cleanup on Aisle Tommy Shots

Little Cromarties,

Ever noticed people at grocery stores have no manners? Constantly you have got cocksuckers leaving carts in the parking lot, cutting line, blocking aisles with their fucking carts while they selfishly look for the best deal, it goes on and on. Well yesterday I had my own little moment of being an inconsiderate guy, although it was no fault of my own. As I grazed for food along the endless aisles I had a slight disturbance in my lower abdomen... You guessed it, gas. I didn't see this being a problem as most of the store was empty and the only decent piece of trim was of the "snaggletooth variety" and was punching buttons on the register up front. So I meandered into an empty space along the freezer aisle and released a test fart to see what exactly I was dealing with. Generally a test fart is 10 or possibly even 15 percent of the entire package... The test was uneventful and so I casually picked up the pace and headed for the pasta aisle to grab my dinner, all the while allowing the entirety of the gas evacuate into the atmosphere of the market. As I reached for the rigatoni everything changed... My test had let me down, rotten fucking eggs, a sulphur bath for all who walked into the path. I didn't know what to do, there was no alarm to pull. There was mayhem building on the pasta aisle and there was nothing I could do when all of a sudden, not one, but two carts turned the corner and headed for the spaghetti. Needless to say, nobody had pasta for dinner. One at a time I watched these poor fuck's walk, stop, frown, wonder, ponder, contemplate the origin, gag, and leave. One guy even said a quick "whoa" as if he had almost lost his balance, which I am sure was slowly happening. Anyways, I went about my business and enjoyed my dinner. Did I care about the people? No, I generally don't give a shit about random people and these victims were no different... Besides when you are at the grocery store, everyone is a Prick, so act accordingly.