Anthony Kim Does Vegas!

Anthony Kim has withdrawn from the Justin Timberlake Shriner's Hospital for Children Open, and it's not only because of his thumb injury. The PGA Tour bad boy was apparently a "loose cannon" earlier this week while gambling at the Bellagio! That's what I'm fuckin talking about, AK!!! Management at the casino had to tell Anthony to tone down his screaming and salty language! Who the fuck do they think they are? If Anthony wants to swear and scream, then fuckin let him! Do you want a bunch of fuckin sissies gambling in your casino? Who the fuck are you? Willy Blank? The fuckin fun police? Thank God the MGM Grand doesn't follow that policy, or else I'd never be allowed back in Sin City! There's a lot of bodies in that fuckin desert!!!! Kudos to Anthony Kim for realizing what's important! Being a prick, and missing four out of his last six cuts on Tour! Stay hot!

Elin Who?

The ink on the divorce papers isn't even dry yet, but that hasn't kept Tiger Woods from coming out firing today at the Barclays. Horndog Woods finishes at -6, and he's sitting pretty atop the leaderboard all alone! If you're horny and you know it, clap your hands! If you're horny and you know it, clap your hands! If you're horny and you know it, and you really wanna show it, if you're horny and you know it, grab your prick! Banging Elin must be about as fun as watching a bucket of Sherwin Williams dry!

Wake Up, Jimmy!

Will someone get Jim Furyk a fuckin alarm clock!!! Unbelievable! How the hell does this guy oversleep this morning, and miss his tee-time for the Barclays Pro-Am? Can someone please answer this for me? This is Furyk we're talking about, not John Daly! He's the #6 golfer in the world for Christ sakes! Now he's been disqualified from the first Fedex Cup Playoff event of the season, taking place in Ridgewood, NJ. So what happened? The power ran out on his mobile phone!!! Incredible! Furyk is like the prick who walks around with a Virginia ham under his arm, but goes around crying because he has no bread! Get a life, Jimmy! You're a big fuckin boy now! Put your pampers away, and wake the fuck up! What a disgrace! Who shows up to the tee-box with no shoes or belt on!? Somebody get Furyk a down power-line, and let him suck on it! That oughta wake him up!

Whistling Straits Awaits...

The 4th and final major of the year commences tomorrow on the western banks of Lake Michigan, as the PGA Championship settles in at Whistling Straits. Plenty of storylines abound as many are eager to see if the horndog himself, Tiger "I Have" Woods, will bounce back to life here in the final major of the 2010 season. Phil Mickelson will do his best to keep Tiger's pecker at bay, but he also must keep an eye on young men like Rory Mcllroy, or consistent pricks such as Steve Stricker and Paul Casey. All we can do is sit here and wait around for the hijinx to begin. So, sit back, grab an ice-cold Zima, and call it a night. Nobody has to play hero year-round.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Prick!

Think Tiger cares about firing a 77 today, and finishing one spot out of last place? Think he cares he finished a whopping 18 strokes over par? Well, think again. Tiger cares about one thing, and one thing only, where's he getting his next clam on the halfshell? He's simply that horny! Tiger couldn't care less about his poor play of late, and it doesn't bother him one bit that he laid an absolute egg on a course where he's won 7 times in his career. Firestone has been Tiger's personal playground, no pun intended. Mi scuzzi, folks, but I'm not exactly up-to-date on the Akron,OH twat scene, but I'm sure Tiger would fly in porn stars from Vegas if he had to. I don't know, but the look on his face screams that he isn't getting enough fresh clams lately. See, Tiger actually has medical prescription for pussy, he needs it! He's got to have it, just like a rabbit! PUSSY! I expect Tiger to bottom out next week during the PGA Championship being held at Whistling Straits, in rural Wisconsin. This course doesn't suit Tiger well, but I'm not sure that even fuckin matters given the fact where the previous three Majors have been played this season. He has lost control of his swing, but he still remains hornier than ever! Somebody call Michelle Wie!

Who?

Louis Oosthuizen! Who the fuck is this guy? What a waste of a British Open and tremendous St. Andrew's venue, just so this fuckin loser could bring home the Claret Jug. Gimme a break with this fuckin shrimp, prior to this British Open, he had only made the cut at a major one time in his entire career. So what does he do? Louis decides to win in effortless fashion, beating Lee Westwood by seven strokes, in the largest margin of victory since Tiger "Horndog" Woods took home the jug ten years ago at St. Andrews. Hey, Louis, call someone who cares.

British Open Update!

PricksRus takes you live to St. Andrews, where South African Louis Oosthuizen is sitting horny atop the leaderboard at -12 par. Louis built on yesterday's 65, by following it up with 67 this morning. In essence, Louis is drilling putts, while my overeasy eggs are squirting yoke just like Doris Burke's clit every time I take a bite in the middle of my fuckin sandwich! Christ! Can't I just enjoy my breakfast! I could make a better fuckin sandwich with my eyes closed, and my hands tied behind back! Who the hell is Louis Oosthuizen!?!?! Stick it up your kilt!

Play was briefly suspended to due incredibly strong winds coming off the North Sea, but they have now resumed the 2nd round.

Live From St. Andrews!

Excellent conditions in Scotland have led to some brilliant early scoring this morning at the British Open! Rory Mcllroy fired a 63 today and is sitting pretty atop the leaderboard at -9. However, before Rory gets too comfortable up there, he better take a look at the heavyweights lurking over his freckled fuckin shoulder! Tiger "Horndog" Woods is currently at -5 par. The surprise of the day is the 1995 British Open Champion, and our personal favorite, big John Daly! The chain-smoking good ole' boy from Arkansas was on his game this morning, and I'd have to attribute it to him having his cereal in scotch rather than milk! What a play! What a move! Look at those fuckin pants!!! Keep it going, Johnny boy! Daly is in the clubhouse with a 66, sitting at -6 par!

St. Andrew's Awaits...

The third major awaits the PGA Tour season this week across the pond in the beautiful land of Scotland, the birthplace of golf and scotch. Many golfers are hoping to raise the Claret Jug as they embark on a four day journey within one of the most famous tracks in the entire world. Yes, folks, it's time for the British Open! The tournament will be played at the majestic St. Andrews this year, and just the thought of links golf is causing me to pitch a tent in my pants. It's unbelievable! It's like I should see my fuckin physician because I'm getting horny over golf! Who do I think I am, Lawrence Taylor?!?! Oh my goodness fuckin gracious it's that time of summer again, pricks! I'll be up at 4am tomorrow making my famous Goldschlager flapjacks with some nice syrup straight outta Aunt Jemima's twat! Mmmmmm, that sounds delicious! Maybe I'll fry up a nice John Daly omelette to honor his 1995 British Open triumph! Or maybe I'll just starve myself to honor Jean van de Velde's 1999 performance at Carnoustie! Who could ever forget that epic meltdown! Even Mel Gibson was blushing after seeing that fuckin blowup! The defending champion Stewart "I Piss In The" Cink will be there tomorrow, and so will Tom Watson, who gave us thrills at Turnberry a year ago as well. So PricksRus would like to fill our fuckin mugs with the finest McEwan's Scotch Ale, and get this fuckin party started! Call up the clams! Call up Lindsay Lohan! Let's hit some fuckin balls out of bunkers that are deeper than Gabourey Sidibe's hairy belly button! It's time for the British Open!!!

Tiger: "That Little Prick Doesn't Belong To Me!"

Tiger Woods has completely dismissed pornstar Devon James's claims that he is the father of her son. Do we believe Tiger? No. Do we care if he's telling the truth or not? No. PricksRus believes Mr. Woods can do no wrong, so what if he's horny? Who isn't! It's not Tiger's fault James was showing him her littleneck time and time again! Doesn't she know Tiger loves shellfish!!! Who cares! We've been waiting for this fuckin paternity test since Moses wore short pants! Tiger has golf to play! He's got a Claret Jug to win this week!